As they say, laughter is the best medicine. Humor in the form of jokes has existed since, well, the beginning of mankind. Through perhaps hundreds of years, here are the top 10 best jokes ever told. It may be subjective, but they sure are funny!
#10. Bite Me
Two friends are hiking in a secluded forest and one gets bit on the ass by a rattlesnake. Neither friend is sure what to do, so the uninjured friend volunteers to go back into town and find a doctor. He rushes furiously 10 miles to a small town. He locates the town’s only doctor who is in surgery. The doctor can’t leave but advises the man to return to his friend, take a pocketknife, make an incision over the bite and suck the poison out. The man thinks about this as he rushes back to his ailing friend. When he arrives, his friend desperately asks, What did the doctor say?” To which his friend replied, “You’re gonna die.”
#9. Singing Like Tom Jones?
Doc, I can’t stop singing the “Green Green Grass of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.. “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.
#8. One Too Many
It really sucks when after a night of drinking, you wake up next to someone and your not able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
#7. I only Missed One Word
A man comes home from work to find a note on his front door signed by his next door neighbor. The note read: “Dear Mike, I owe you a big apology. I have to confess I have been using your WIFE on a regular basis. It started months ago and I just wanted to clear the air. I hope you will forgive me and I will be using my own from now on.” Signed Bill. Mike is thoroughly confused and upset as he runs out and buys a gun. When his wife comes home from work, he shoots her dead and puts her in the basement. The next day when he gets home, there was another note on the door. “Dear Mike, I think I said WIFE, I meant WIFI.”
#6. Ouch, That Hurts
When Becky’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.
#5. What Color Would You Like?
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, but you have to request it in only three words.” The guy replies, “Sure, why not?” He pulls out his wallet and lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, very slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
#4. Together Forever (submitted by Nicole Gonzalez)
girl: I cant believe they’ve been together after all the crap they’ve been through.
other girl: Who?
girl: …….My buttcheeks
#3. Even Shorter, but sweeter
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
#2. One Ugly Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “OMG, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman storms to the back of the bus and says to a stranger: “The driver just insulted me and and hurt my feelings!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
#1. And the Funniest Joke is…
A man and his friend are playing a round of golf at their favorite golf course. One of the men is about to tee of when he sees a long funeral procession driving by the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Think you have a better joke? Comment below and if it’s good enough to dethrone one of our top 10, we’re happy to update the list!